Tuesday, January 15, 2008

Even More New Rules for the CNMI, MV 18

It is the new year, so it seems appropriate to bask in the absurdity all around us. Alas, I offer even more new rules for the CNMI.

New Rule. If you let your pre-teen shoot off fireworks over the holidays, you earned a nomination for worst parent of the year regardless of whether junior escaped the event without blowing off his testicles. Kids are supposed to do do stupid things, which are even more prevalent when they are handed over cheaply made explosives. The "pretty colors" aren't worth the price of a couple fingers, not to mention the public nuisance being inflicted. You the parent are supposed to stop your kids from doing these dumb things, not enabling them. Junior is not that far removed from trying to eat bugs and not being able to dress himself. Handing your kids cheap fireworks from China -- a place where people think a good business proposition is borrowing thousands of dollars or several times your net worth from a loan shark to hand over to a recruiter for the right to work for $3.55 in the dying CNMI garment factories -- probably isn't very wise.

New Rule. When boonie dogs are lying in the middle of the street either indifferent to death or actively seeking suicide from the incoming traffic as they are now, it is time to stop talking about it and actually get the dog shelter built. Man's best friend is treated worse here than the Gimp in Pulp Fiction with a resident even opening fire on one like it is a rival rapper, yet the anti-animal cruelty bill and dog shelter languishes like broccoli at a movie theater concession stand. Here is a radical plan, do the job you have the money and have had the time to do.

New Rule. The burgeoning graffiti artists must learn to spell better. It's bad enough juvenile delinquents are tagging the island while others are trying to clean up the place, but the hoodlums can't spell simple three letters words. They're an offensive to English teachers the world over. There is a phrase criminals who can't spell need to learn, and it goes like this: "Would you like fries with that, sir." If and when the graffiti artists are caught, the judge should require remedial English classes after their jail sentence. Ron Hodges can't be the instructor.

New Rule. Stop building office space. Who do you think is moving in here, the Pentagon? Haven't you seen what happens to dormant space at La Fiesta Mall? That albatross around all our necks is as hairy, overgrown and messy as a pack of French travelers stuck for three days in an airport snow storm. Do we really need more office space? The empty space inspires as much investor confidence as CUC.

New Rule. If you are a tourist escaping northeast Asian winter, maybe you should actually embrace the sun you flew hours to feel and not wrap yourself up in enough towels and blankets so you look like you just joined the Taliban. It's called sunbathing, so try taking a little of it in. I wouldn't travel to the Great Wall and put on a blindfold.

New Rule. People driving on Middle Road need to stay in their lane and stop bouncing around like they are playing a real life Frogger video game. The average person here hasn't gotten a brake job since there was a coherent Bush in office, so maybe speeding along and jumping lane to lane isn't such a good idea. This is Saipan, there aren't that many places to go, and there aren't too many urgent meetings to get to, so just chill out there Mario Andretti and let's get home in one piece.

New Rule. Both local newspapers need to see what it is like to publish a paper without the half baked thoughts of Taotao Tano dental adviser Greg Cruz. The local papers are covering this man's scientific take on fluoride in water. Huh? Cruz in general makes as much sense as the black KKK member on the Chapelle show-- a worker's rights advocate fighting tooth and nail for our local government's right to continue to bloat the labor supply and keep his people's pockets emptier than the Paseo De Marianas. And memo to Greg, there is a body that chooses whether Tina Sablan should be one of their leaders, and it's called the voters in Precinct One, not you.

Jeffrey C. Turbitt is the language arts department chairman at Saipan Southern High School, as well as an avid scuba diver and traveler. He offers more thoughts in his blog Hypercritical Thoughts at: www.turbittj.blogspot.com/ He welcomes feedback, tips and story ideas at turbittj@yahoo.com. His column appears regularly on Wednesdays.


Missy said...

Hear, hear for the boonie dogs. They look so apathetic. Poor things.

I think that this might be your best column...Guam Airport was good, and this is as good.

Jeff said...


Ms. D said...

The speculative building boom actually makes sense, given that a large portion of the expense consists of the cost of labor, which is guaranteed to increase significantly with the stepped minimum wage changes, and even more so if immigration is federalized.

Buy tomorrow's building at a discount. Build now!

Bruce A. Bateman said...

Those buildings have a purpose, Jeff. One building, one green card for a Korean investor. Never mind that even if the space does fill someday that it will leave yet another empty storefront in an existing building.

When this place turns back around, we will need the room. If it doesn't turn around, then the few of us left will have modern day 'caves' we can move into. Nice cozy place to build a campfire and lay out the boonie skin rugs.

I'm predicting a leather bound volume of "Jeff's Rules to Live By" coming to a bookstore nearby soon.

Nice column.

Rose said...

God help us to help the boonie dogs... I am delurking. You know I have to check your blog to make sure my mother won't be shocked again when she googles me! ;)

bradinthesand said...

"They're an offensive to English teachers the world over."

...so was that sentence. just busting your chops, buddy.

Jeff said...

It's not a taco salad Sand. We can invert prepositions sometimes.

Boni said...

That's why we had silly string and sparklers on New Year's Eve! I always laugh at drivers who pass me up because we end up meeting at the traffic light, "hey yo, what's up?"