Do the opposite

In a classic episode of the seminal television show Seinfeld, consummate loser George Costanza realizes that all his instincts are wrong and his life such a failure, that doing the opposite of his natural inclination must turn his life around. After implementing the plan, Costanza’s life improves as he goes from being alone, jobless and living with his parents, to being employed by the Yankees with a new girlfriend and a new apartment in Manhattan.

As our island leaders go about dealing with the multitude of well publicized problems such as power, wages, crime and the economy with the effectiveness of a 90 year-old-man in a Las Vegas brothel without his Viagra stash, perhaps they should turn to the wisdom of Costanza and just do the opposite.

Instead of fighting the long overdue wage increase, do the opposite and actually represent the overwhelming majority of people here who want higher wages. Welcome this chance for people to earn a salary that gives them some dignity. Perhaps then, many will be motivated to actually get a job and make something of their life instead of sitting at home on welfare teaching their children by example it is ok to be lazy, have no ambition and rely on government handouts. The idle message these children learn causes countless wasted dollars in our schools with profound academic indifference.

Instead of misdirecting the funds earmarked for the retirement fund, actually do what you are supposed to do, the opposite, and give the fund its money so it can stay solvent. This current system of ripping off the retirement fund amounts to a tax only on government workers because the eunuchs we elected are too afraid to propose an actual tax to pay for this bloated, inefficient government.

Instead of going off-island for another fruitless trip, do the opposite and just stay home. In fact, the government could take the money saved and just burn it to keep the power plant running an extra hour a day. That would probably be more efficient than this current junket to Washington, D.C., or the recent one to Hawaii. And while we are on the topic of the power plant, instead of ignoring it, do the opposite, actually maintain it and perhaps two people can make toast simultaneously without an island-wide blackout. The power plant here is treated worse than “the Gimp” in Pulp Fiction and CUC leadership acts like that is a normal state of affairs we should expect.

Instead of proposing tax breaks and doing the bidding for the vile garment factories, do the opposite and cut out bureaucratic inefficiencies and help new, uplifting, useful businesses like Java Joes, Marianas Sweet Shrimp, Magic Lamp and Shelly’s Pizza. Let all the dumpy businesses on the island like the 800 pawn shops and poker rooms fall back to the depths of Hades from which they sprang. It would also spare me from reading another student journal entry about having no food at home because mom and dad blew their check in the poker room. Beyond that, it would help the overall atmosphere if our poker room to book store ratio improved from 800 to 1, and it might reduce the crime rate as well, which brings me to the next point.

Instead of giving the copper wire thieves one day of jail all suspended, force them for one day to clean up all the betel nut and lime stains on the island – that is if they ever catch these “Napoleons of Crime.” Similarly, if they catch the people stealing from the Japanese at the Last Command Post, instead of one day in jail suspended, let them carry the tanks for the Japanese divers at the Grotto instead of building a monorail.

I could go on, but too much reflection on this government makes me feel like as flatulent as the horse that ate too much Beef-a-Rino in the Marble Rye episode. If our local elected leaders just do the opposite of all their natural instincts this can be the summer of George, and summer never ends in Saipan .