New Rule. Enough with the morning radio traffic report in the CNMI. We don't have traffic here, at least as the term is commonly known, we have traffic predicaments. Stuck behind a school bus is the most common traffic predicament. No wonder we have a juvenile diabetes problem on this island because apparently kids can't walk more than ten feet to their house judging by how many stops and bizarre U-turns the school buses make. I'll have to take a pass on the stuck behind a funeral procession predicament, but the next most common problem, stuck behind the hideous and ridiculous political rally convoy is most worthy of vitriol. At least this one is seasonal. How much does gas have to cost before people decide to get out and walk to support their candidate or cause? If I wanted to see an endless stream of cars polluting the environment, moving slowly and making a statement, I'd just move to Manila where the statement is: "Yes I can fit my 6 foot wide taxi in a non-existent lane 6 feet 2 inches wide. Look out and watch me!” Incidentally, none of those predicaments involve a "Mitsubishi Outlanderrrrrrrrr!"
New Rule. People need to start buying their own picnic tables and tents. If everyone had their own barbecue equipment, we could stop being bought off so cheaply and allow the army of lawmakers we overpay to have their focus and foresight, two dirty F words apparently, on the lousy power plant, the college that might have useless degrees or the hospital that can't retain physicians or supplies. Besides, being a real islander means being prepared for a barbecue. I’m from New Jersey, and I wouldn’t give my representatives there my vote if they let the colleges, hospitals and power plants fall apart, but tried to make up for it by loaning me the Bruce Springsteen box set.
New Rule. Complaints about single, middle aged white guys with hot, young Asian girlfriends need to cease. The dollar falls more often than a sorority girl doing Bacardi 151 shots, gas is higher than Bob Marley ever was, prostate cancer research gets a pittance of breast cancer research dollars and the NFL games come on here at 4 a.m. Cut these guys some slack. The ability to get a girlfriend half their age isn't ridiculous, it's the carrot that got them to risk life and limb in the military or to spend vast amounts of time on a merchant marine ship with a bunch of sweaty dudes. A young Asian girlfriend is one of the few remaining perks to being an American in the CNMI.
New Rule. Both newspapers need to stop writing stories about some random contract worker that was ordered to leave the CNMI. Everyday there are several hundred people leaving the CNMI on a large airplane -- probably because they ordered a hamburger at Hard Rock Cafe and blew their entire vacation budget. Newspapers don't write about those people. I don't really care that contract worker XYZ was ordered to depart the CNMI. Get back to the important news such as telling us what Greg Cruz’s ghost writers want him to think.