Tuesday, February 26, 2008

More New Rules for the CNMI, MV 24

By Jeffrey C. Turbitt

It always warms my heart to delve into satire and unabashed ridicule of the strangeness all around us. Thus, I offer more new rules for the CNMI.

New Rule. Enough with the morning radio traffic report in the CNMI. We don't have traffic here, at least as the term is commonly known, we have traffic predicaments. Stuck behind a school bus is the most common traffic predicament. No wonder we have a juvenile diabetes problem on this island because apparently kids can't walk more than ten feet to their house judging by how many stops and bizarre U-turns the school buses make. I'll have to take a pass on the stuck behind a funeral procession predicament, but the next most common problem, stuck behind the hideous and ridiculous political rally convoy is most worthy of vitriol. At least this one is seasonal. How much does gas have to cost before people decide to get out and walk to support their candidate or cause? If I wanted to see an endless stream of cars polluting the environment, moving slowly and making a statement, I'd just move to Manila where the statement is: "Yes I can fit my 6 foot wide taxi in a non-existent lane 6 feet 2 inches wide. Look out and watch me!” Incidentally, none of those predicaments involve a "Mitsubishi Outlanderrrrrrrrr!"

New Rule. People need to start buying their own picnic tables and tents. If everyone had their own barbecue equipment, we could stop being bought off so cheaply and allow the army of lawmakers we overpay to have their focus and foresight, two dirty F words apparently, on the lousy power plant, the college that might have useless degrees or the hospital that can't retain physicians or supplies. Besides, being a real islander means being prepared for a barbecue. I’m from New Jersey, and I wouldn’t give my representatives there my vote if they let the colleges, hospitals and power plants fall apart, but tried to make up for it by loaning me the Bruce Springsteen box set.

New Rule. Complaints about single, middle aged white guys with hot, young Asian girlfriends need to cease. The dollar falls more often than a sorority girl doing Bacardi 151 shots, gas is higher than Bob Marley ever was, prostate cancer research gets a pittance of breast cancer research dollars and the NFL games come on here at 4 a.m. Cut these guys some slack. The ability to get a girlfriend half their age isn't ridiculous, it's the carrot that got them to risk life and limb in the military or to spend vast amounts of time on a merchant marine ship with a bunch of sweaty dudes. A young Asian girlfriend is one of the few remaining perks to being an American in the CNMI.

New Rule. Both newspapers need to stop writing stories about some random contract worker that was ordered to leave the CNMI. Everyday there are several hundred people leaving the CNMI on a large airplane -- probably because they ordered a hamburger at Hard Rock Cafe and blew their entire vacation budget. Newspapers don't write about those people. I don't really care that contract worker XYZ was ordered to depart the CNMI. Get back to the important news such as telling us what Greg Cruz’s ghost writers want him to think.
New Rule. If you're going to have your picture in the newspaper every week, you need to submit one that doesn't make you look like the left fielder on the Sunday morning beer league softball team. In the newspaper business all the pictures and graphics are referred to as "art." Something tells me this stock photo of Tom Pangelinan, who I'm sure is a nice guy, won't be hanging in the Louvre with all the other "art," yet this is the image repeatedly offered on all the Republican stories in this paper. Maybe the committee should buy one less picnic table and invest the savings in a photo shoot. Drop the "up all night jack and coke look," and at least for the press shot, dress like a real Republican -- wear a suit and tie, and don't forget the accessories like the pitchfork and cape, and show those horns and the long tail prominently. Remember, you'll be at the Republican convention this summer to cheer on calls to repeal social programs that feed half the island. It's important to "look the part" of someone heading up the local contingent of a national party that has absolutely no use for most of the people on these islands.


The Saipan Blogger アンジェロ・ビラゴメズ said...

You are a brave man, my friend.

Anonymous said...

Why do these women go for these men? And why do these men get these young women?
The women go for these men because:
a) They are poor and will do almost anything for IR status or a green card
b) Their language skills are so limited that they don’t understand half the BS spouting from these guys.
c) They have children from other Asian men and the maternal instinct is powerful so they marry these American guys out of hope for a better life. NOT LOVE
The men go for these women because:
a) No woman from their own social economic background will touch them
b) Western Woman ignored them for most of their lives until they came here
(These guys finally had something of value to offer a woman –their passport)
c) Some of these guys are just plain physically repulsive
d) Some of these guys are just plain idiots
e) Their small penis cant satisfy western woman
f) They are drunks and or druggies
80 % of the men who are with non American born Asian woman in the CNMI have all or some of the elements listed above. 8 out of 10…believe it.
One more New Rule:
These guys stay here with their Asian girlfriends or wives because they know they’d get “better dealed” by their Asian babe in a heartbeat if they took them to live the states.

bradinthesand said...

wow, way to lay it all out there. i thought that most of it surely would only be on the blog. this is one you should frame for viewing at turbitt manor.

funny stuff that makes us laugh at ourselves...keep writing freely and it'll just keep getting better.

if you need to get reeled in your friends will let you know.

bradinthesand said...

...oh, and i am totally a through f.

bigsoxfan said...

Gotta call you on the traffic reports. They are amusing. I've spent many a morning on a docked ship stateside and at anchor off Saipan, listening to the reports and often watching the traffic action slowly pass by. All this time, while I'm enjoying my morning coffee on the after deck, watching the morning 'jam unfold a few hundred yards away, I always had a good feeling about my day, knowing that I had only to finish my cofffee, drop the empty in the galley rack, and then walk down a few flights to my workspace, rather than sit in a rat line of traffic while further expanding my carbon footprint. I always had the same feeling in saipan, although, given the choice I would take the extra ten minutes and go around through the backside (No offense, Brad) I mean through Dandan and Death Valley, and then over Capital hill. Oh, for a fast scooter and no big rush.

Hey, your wife looks great. Mine says, I need to give up smoking and drinking for a year, before she will willingly look that good again. Hope the next month goes smoothly for you and Cynthia.

Jeff said...

Can you work the above into a more comedy friendly format?

Also, if these guys are so horrible in all the specific detail you claim, aren't they overachieving by landing hot, young girlfriends? With all those disabilities you claim they have, they seem to be doing well to me.

Anonymous said...

The real reason the mainlanders go for Asian women is because their US women counterparts are typically fat, officious, bumbling and uninteresting jellyrolls. Their idea of screwing well is to wake up once in a while and grunt something about feminist equality (meaning of course that they want to be treated unequally). Their idea of stimulating conversation revolves around a shopping list. It would take a dozen mainlander women to equal one Asian. You would have to comb through a thousand or two to find even one who would be as good a companion as one randomly picked Asian woman.

The screwed attitude of the earlier anonny writer is a prime example of the clit-bigger-than-brain syndrome so prevalent in chubbo caucasian and african american mainlanders.

Get on a diet…get a life…get a vibrator anonny, you will not feel so frustrated at not getting laid in the last 20 years.

Anonymous said...

Whenever a prepo ship comes back to port drive down to Charlie dock. You'll see dozens of young Filipinas lining the dock, some pregnant, some not. It's a strange relationship. The young filipina promises some good boom boom times for horny old white boy until green card comes, then it's usually good bye. Oh, don't foget that once married, you get the whole package. Filipinas from the province do not like sex. They wince and look like they're being double teamed. Province Filipinas are taught two things in their young life: One, become a nun. Two: If you can't become a nun, look for white man who looks rich, and get out.

The above is correct, these guys (not all) are pretty pathetic.

Anonymous said...

To "The real reason..."

I like to have a semi intelligent conversation with educated white women. Yes, old fat and ugly white men love Asian women. (Asian, meaning everyone but Japanese) Filipinas tend to be very domestic and take care of their man. This is one of the only places where some old drunk piece of shit can get a young Filipina. I see these losers out on the town thinking they're studs or something LOL! Try even talking to a some of the white hotties in Guam, you'll get a face full of mace!

Anonymous said...

women can be trained. given a couple of years, you can turn a nun into a pornstar.

Rick Jones said...

I've heard this same shit about Asian women and white men since I came here two and a half years ago. Usually spouted by a bitter, formerly pretty married woman jealous of all the attention she used to get before letting herself go to seed.

My questions is this, if you are going to date women here, what is the available pool? Let's see, it's a majority of young (at least, younger than me), pretty Asian girls. Now, I guess I could purposely avoid 80% of the women here, but that would be not only insane but would go against every instinct man has developed over the centuries.

Yes, many a man who couldn't get a girl back in the States finds it much easier here. But I wonder, who gets hurt? If the girl is looking for security, a better way of life, a green card, or whatever, and the guy is looking for attractive companionship, who is to say that either one of them is wrong?

Don't forget that in the US, where we supposedly marry for the "right" reasons, the divorce rate is damn near 50%; it would seem that we don't have a right to approve or disapprove of anyones relationship, unless your motivation is pure jealousy or meanness.

Jeff said...

It's not just old fat and ugly white men who love Asian women, it's lots of men. It's just the old ones that get people pissed off the most. Live and let live, people.

I'm with you Rick, spot on.

bradinthesand said...

there are asian women here?

Marianas Eye said...

I know these girls in your photo!

Check it out: http://www.marianaseye.com/sunglasses.html

Jeff said...

I would have bet Brad Ruszala would have made that comment.

Rick Jones said...


In order to continue to do my part in continuing the stereotypes mentioned by our anonymous cowards above, I request that you introduce me to the women in the photo.

I assure you that it has nothing to do with wanting to meet hot, sexy, young Asian women. I'm only asking to give the non-hot, non-sexy, non-young, non-Asian women something to get indignant and talk about. My way of contributing to the community.

bigsoxfan said...

I'm pretty happy with where I am now. I laughed on one of my first launch rides to shore when a flying fish landed on deck and one the long term pre-po guys announced his intention to have the missus cook it for breakfast. I don't laugh anymore. The sailors life is normally difficult with any family so far away and for us unmarried guys, an instant family along with a steady job is an attractive situation. Even with the old ugly ones, sailors don’t’ promise more than they are willing to deliver, which makes an exchange of affections/dollars/green cards reasonable to my mind.

I never saw the question as east or west, just mutual attraction magnified by the local setting. I've seen several of my friends marry on island and a couple more travel to Mongolia in search of more. No complaints and easy on the stereotypes, please. Yes, Virginia, there are good women in America. However, I’ve married into a family with responsibilities on both sides. When our little guy was ill, mom was on the first train and when I saw a chance to help my brother-in-law secure a better job, I jumped on it. Same with my family in the states, without mom hopping on a plane. There really aren’t many deep differnences between east and west, only people helping each other in their own way.
One more point of view to consider. The Asian women who hang out with fat old white guys. They aren‘t all in it for the green card, from my experience. There are also fundemental differences between western and eastern husbands. A little consideration and kindness go a long way. Anon #1 should have been at Obyan with my wife and I while I taught her to swim.

Tamara said...

Sheesh people, why can't we live and let live. I agree with Rick. If an adult man and an adult woman want to be together and are happy together, what business it is of anyone else??? Who cares about age, color or size???

And anonymous, in case you haven't noticed, it's not only filipina's or other asian women who flock to the dock when the ships come in, there are girls of all nationalities, shapes and colors that look forward to the ships (for the record, I'm happily engaged, so I'm not one of them :)

What's the big deal??

I just don't get it..Why some people get upset or jealous over other peoples happiness..

Oh well, I'm a big beautiful mixed race female dating a younger pacific islander male and It doesn't bother me one bit when I see older American men with younger Asian women...Props to them! and the combination makes for gorgeous children!

The Saipan Blogger アンジェロ・ビラゴメズ said...

So how many people checked out David's website? I did.

Anonymous said...

the reality is 90% of the anglo/filipina - chinese relationships here are old or ugly white men with younger women. its about control, period. you've got a younger girl who keeps quiet for the most part and doesn't have any options. the "better dealed" comment is on the mark. losers can hit the jackpot here. it's sad for them that most of them are so desperate they just hit the 3rd prize and settle with that.

Rick Jones said...

Count me as #2 to have checked David's website.

Bless you Tamara, for having such an accepting attitude. Your next drink at 360 is on me!

Anonymous said...

Along the docks when the sailors pull in are also a flock of gays or what have you. Just thought that they should be included since everyone is looking for love. The fatter the lady or guy the more grabbing and pushing.

For me...No fat chicks please!

Anonymous said...

Asian women particularly filipinas are looking for a way to make it to the US. I know of two old age gents who took their filipina brides to the US only to find that they were dumped by them for Filipino males in less than 6 months.

As one anonymous comment said the rest of the package went to the US as well and are now all as they say...TNT.

I believe that old men need to be realistic that these young women have needs too...i mean if you need to get a splint on your penis to assist in sex, you know that your marriage will only last a matter of time.

Old age gents need companionship and I don't think that it's appropriate for these ladies to take advantage but you at least for the brief period of time they were treated (old age mainlanders) like superstars.

bradinthesand said...

if you're in your fifties and dating a girl in her twenties, i say it's cool. just don't think that she's in love with you or anything.

i mean, come on guys, be realistic. remember what you thought about the ol' dogs when you were in your twenties?

go for it! just don't go for the hook, line and sinker.

and fyi- all of the hot local girls (married or not) get all dolled up and head out to the bars when the ships come in...

Tamara said...

if you're in your fifties and dating a girl in her twenties, i say it's cool. just don't think that she's in love with you or anything.

I honestly don't think KIRIDA (http://www.kirida.com/) will agree with you on that statement : )