Tuesday, December 04, 2007

More New Rules for the CNMI, MV 14

Bold is Beautiful

By Jeffrey C. Turbitt

By popular demand I offer a second installment of New Rules for the CNMI.

New Rule. If locals are going to continue to talk with their eyebrows, someone needs to write an eyebrow dictionary for us confused haoles. When I ask a question, and my local friends respond with eyebrow movements, I'm never quite sure if they are saying "yes," "no" or "want to come to a barbecue." My eyebrows have the muscular development of a baby chick stumbling out of the shell, so I can't eyebrow respond, not that I can speak eyebrow anyway. I'm just assuming option three from now on. If you see an unfamiliar short, stocky, bald man on the weekend with your crew at Kilili Beach, please pass me a plate of ribs and be confident that this translation tool hasn't been published yet.

New Rule. Saipan gas stations must stop charging separate prices for self service and full service gas when both pumps are really full service anyway. It's bad enough that fueling a mere Toyota Echo nowadays feels comparable in price to fueling an aircraft carrier, but with all the motorists clamoring to the self service pump like a pack of boonie dogs on a live one in heat you're just insulting us now. Since Bush was installed into office you people at Shell and Mobil have lived it up better than an Enron Executive on expense account in the clubs of Manila, so do us this small favor and stop wasting our time and half of your pumps. There are no people with money to burn at the higher priced pumps in Saipan. Didn't you hear Arod is staying in New York, not Saipan, for $300 million?

New Rule. The police can't be obsessed with me wearing a seat belt if they are going to just smile at the idiot sitting ten feet high on the "Leaning Tower of Patio Furniture." Sitting in a pick up truck ten feet high going down that hill next to NMC is slightly more dangerous than a Sunday stroll in the Sunni Triangle wearing a Bush/Cheney shirt while eating a bacon sandwich. My lack of a seat belt is just not that bad in comparison. Focusing on the seat belt situation when that goes on is the police equivalent of our lawmakers spending their time renaming streets and trying to exile its citizens in a time when two households making toast simultaneously causes an island wide power outage.

New Rule. Joeten Motors must offer a lunar rover to dive enthusiasts trying to get out to the Lau Lau Bay dive site. Buried somewhere in those holes is my transmission and I think an axle. I lost my tackle box fishing in those pothole lakes along that thing suggestive of a road as well. People on vacation should feel relaxed and comfortable, and a drive to Lau Lau or Obyan feels more like the opening plane crash sequence in the Lost pilot. They must be half expecting to meet the Others before seeing the Lau Lau pipe underwater.

New Rule. Anyone who gets stuck behind the avalanche of humanity crossing the street in front of the Saipan Garment Manufacturer's Association in San Antonio at 1:00 pm gets a second lunch hour. I read about General McCarthur's plight at the Yalu River in history class, I don't need to see a re-enactment -- I'm just trying to get somewhere for lunch. You couldn't get a bigger crowd than that on this island if you had a free betelnut and beer barbecue hosted by the bikini babes from Beach Road Magazine.

New Rule. The business community must make one giant store and stop the scavenger hunt that is grocery shopping in the CNMI. Any mildly complex food preparation means going on more trips than the folks following the Snoop Dogg Tour around the country. This isn't North Korea. "Nothing" isn't an appropriate answer when I ask what aisle I can find chicken or a lemon.


The Saipan Blogger アンジェロ・ビラゴメズ said...

Brilliant. Fucking brilliant.

bigsoxfan said...

Not too bad; insert "outer Mongolia" where you mention N. Korea. Shopping in Saipan prepared me for Ulan Baatar. At least you can find vegetables and fruit at the local markets. You just wouldn’t believe what we are limited to. Not that I ever bitched about hearing the Mangos drop off the tree outside our bedroom. I miss that stuff though, and so would you, presumably.

You are on the verge of overusing your previous best quote "two households making toast simultaneously” However, I’m Rolling on the floor laughing my ass off, hearing that line again. I suppose the “rung off the rocker” quote would be a little too close to current events. Nice that you have a good one in the pocket for another week.

SteeleOnSaipan said...

Good stuff, lots to relate to and you do well w/ that Dennis Millerism attitude. As for the "leaning tower of patio furniture," surely if there were federal funding to educate of the dangers of doing such....you know the rest.
The last time that I was rear-ended, I was waiting in line at The Great Garment Crossing.

Boni said...

Loved it Jeff. Now you need to address the Filipino lip maneuver. Wear your seatbelt for crying out loud!

The Saipan Blogger アンジェロ・ビラゴメズ said...

Looks like two people were making toast right around lunch time today.

Island wide blackout.

Bruce A. Bateman said...

Many of the government accounts fill their tanks with the higher priced spread at the full serve pumps. Your tax dollars at work. Hope you are enjoying it.

Cop cars and Fire trucks are a prime example. Full serve only as I understand it.

Meanwhile, I really enjoyed your similes and agree to mostly abide by the new Turbitt law of the land, oh Lawgiver.

Deece said...

Great rules! I teach ESL(Eyebrows as a Second Language)on the weekends. All I ask for payment is that you fill my gas tank twice a month.

me said...

Some elected officials are known to fill up their V8 and V6 cars (leased cars and/or privately owned vehicles) with govt fleet cards paid by the hard hit taxpayers.

The Saipan Blogger アンジェロ・ビラゴメズ said...

I got all hissy fissy when I saw the cops using full serve, but from what I understand the government agreed to a set price for three years. Just what I heard. No basis for that.