Wednesday, June 13, 2007

Guam Airport blows and other musings

This won't change anything, of course, but it will make me feel better, so I'm going to give Guam International Airport the lambasting it deserves. I get off the plane in Guam after getting everything but a colonoscopy at Palau security, and what is the first thing I have to do in Guam right off the plane at 4 am: Take your shoes off sir, belt, all metals, and are your nuts still attached, if not, please place them in this basket for inspection. I've only been married a few years, so they are still connected, sorry, use the wand, and tickle a little bit since it's 4am, I'm on the redeye from hell, I'm stuck in your shithole airport and I need a cheap thrill.

I didn't go anywhere near an unchecked civilian. Why do I have to go through the shoe bullshit again, not to mention x-ray, take off your belt, shave your pubes routine in case you're hiding plutonium in your sac region? Why again!!!! Are you so much more thorough in Guam than the last airport? One idiot tried something with his shoes years ago and people the planet over have to go through the shoe theatrics. Please. I've had times when there have been like three shoe checks. I saw this guy examine my zorries with the wrapt attention of Howard Carter opening King Tut's tomb. Plus, the silliness over water has to stop. If you can drink it, and demonstrate that it isn't some Mission Impossible liquid bomb, let it go. It's water, like 80 percent of the human body. Chill out Nurse Ratched. We don't examine most any cargo coming into the states, but three shoe checks and no water, so we're safe. What a joke.

Then they set up that little rope to block you from your gate or give you the stare to march you along like lambs to the slaughter for the pointless Guam check in counter. Why do I even have to clear immigration in Guam when I'm not staying there? Someone please explain that crap. Also, the existence of shaving cream in my checked, not carry on, luggage caused a literal ten minute investigation. I might be the only one with a toothbrush in Palau, but I can't be the only one who shaves. I had deoderant in my carry on, which is legal, but that still entailed a Nuremberg type deliberation since somehow Old Spice equals Al Qaeda. Use some sense, you soulless automaton. They must electroshock all vestiges of independent thought and common sense out of you at TSA Academy.

Plus, Guam airport basically held me hostage on my layover. I couldn't exit without a Continental representative to walk me through like it was my first day of kindergarten. Plus I had this bozo rent a cop on a powertrip interrogating me on whether my green tea in a cup was beer. What am I twelve, what if it was? You can't take green tea out onto the streets of Guam sir. I'm sure the teeming masses of Guam appreciate that kind of protection. I saw one guy with an apple, stop him and you might be chief of police. Plus you factor in the whole racist way they won't let Filipinos transfer through there, and it is just an awful place.

Beyond that, it is still the middle of the night, I've got a long layover in Hades, there is hardly anyone in the place, so sleep seems in order. I'm not expecting the Ritz Carlton, just to sack out on their mangy carpet in peace. Naturally, sleep is hard to come by with a blaring announcement over the loudspeaker every fifteen minutes not to leave your bags unattended and to report any suspicious activity to the Guam Gestapo.

Guam Airport is the United States in microcosm: reactionary, bullying, lacking common sense and self important.The terrorists have already won since we are a bunch of drunk on fear ninnies acting like this.
***
The last time I used Wal Mart, a long while ago, it took like two months to get stuff here because they didn't put the customs form or something on it. Well, I just bought a Sony DVD player for $65, with shipping, and it was here in less than a week. The crappy Chinese no name player available here is of course more than $100 at Dolphin. Amazon is using UPS and DHL and getting things here much faster as well.
***
This is from the Saipan Tribune, and sorry Boni:

The Attorney General's Office became the subject of intense criticism due to an
alleged proposal to legalize marijuana in the Commonwealth. Senate Vice
President Pete P. Reyes lashed at Attorney General Matthew T. Gregory who
reportedly wants marijuana decriminalized in a bid to raise revenue for the
government.“Just the idea that the highest law enforcement of the land is even
thinking about it is very disheartening, frightening. It gives the impression
that we're so desperate to generate some money that we would sell our souls,”
Reyes said.


No, Mr. Reyes, when this government paid lobbyist Jack Abramoff millions of dollars to keep poor people poor, it sold its soul. Everyone knows marijuana is far less harmful than Marlboros, yet the global hypocrisy continues on that one. No need to grandstand on this one, Senator. We weren't about to become Amsterdam any more than we already are. If we could eliminate spam and soda or marijuana from these islands, we'd be foolish to choose the latter. That isn't to say that marijuana does anything positive, it doesn't, but it isn't as bad as cigarettes or a lot of the diabetes inducing junk food people routinely eat.

23 comments:

BoReGo said...

Why you have to be all mad like that? See, now I'm mad too. Now I'm remember Guam. RAAAAHHHHHHAAAHHHHHH.

The Saipan Blogger アンジェロ・ビラゴメズ said...

The whole water in the suitcase thing is pointless. If you really wanted to get a vial of liquid on the plane, couldn't you just put it in your pocket or in your pants?

Is that a water bottle or are you just happy to see me?

I think it has to do more with TSA and Homeland Security doing SOMETHING, even if it is pointless. Government agencies worldwide tend to do things like that.

Marianas Eye said...

I'm splitting my gut reading this. You're hilarious, dude.

Jeff said...

Thanks Dr. Dude.

Bev said...

i had a bad experience with immigration in Guam too. Let me say that there are some major girl haters. This one girl asked me dumb questions like if I'm only staying a weekend than why did I have so much clothes. Dude, so what if i'm a heavy packer. Then she asked where I'd be staying in Guam. I told her with friends. She asked for their home number and I told her that I didn't have it on me. And then I gave her an annoyed look and she sent me to go get my bags packed. grrrrrrrrrrrrr! I hate guam airport too. thanks for triggering a memory jeff! lol

Bev said...

i'm meant to say bags searched not packed!

BoReGo said...

Stupid immigration once asked me if I was going to shop at KMart! Don't be sorry Jeff, but I'm with my dad on this one. Marijuana is harmless, but I know enough potheads to be convinced that humans are not.

The Saipan Blogger アンジェロ・ビラゴメズ said...

No man's life liberty or property is safe while the legislature is in session

-Mark Twain

We found two large marijuana plants at a recent cleanup. Too bad I don't smoke.

BoReGo said...

Don't they have better things to do? Why is Matt pushing his own agenda? We should have a big red trash can at every election and everyone should just chuck their agendas into it before even thinking of running. WHAT THE FFFFFFF??? Don't we have bigger fish to fry?

The Saipan Blogger アンジェロ・ビラゴメズ said...

Like ending the scourge of midget marriage!

Jeff said...

There are bigger fish to fry, you're right. I do find it pretty absurd that the stuff is illegal, and people can abuse it sure, but they can abuse all types of things: booze, cigarettes, sugar, etc. Why the special prohibition there? According to Chomsky, if it were legal, people could grow it in their backyard and no one would make money off of it. It was also a way to control the Mexican population back in the day. I think your dad overreacted a bit here.

BoReGo said...

He may have, as we have been known to do, but I still agree with him. You'll have to wait until lunch to read my post, lest I waste valuable government time blogging. Lord knows amending the timesheet and battling over board policy is more important than that. Today is one of those days when I want to run screaming out of my office. Hey---what's wrong with Spam? Watchit ha.

Rick Vaughn said...

I remember in 2005 flying from Saipan-Guam-Honolulu-Houston-Chicago (bleah) and having to pass through Guam TSA & Immigration even though I was not staying in Guam just going to the transit area. Was Saipan's TSA not good enough? I still had to do the empty-your-pockets-no shoes-or electronic-devices-dance. And recently in Manila they confiscated all my toiletry items on a flight to Korea EVEN THOUGH toiletry items are clearly not allowed on the plane ONLY FOR FLIGHTS HEADED TO THE U.S. OR THE U.K. according to clearly posted regulations in the new airport terminal...... Hong Kong airport security confiscated a pair of scissors, like the kind kindergarteners use, the kind that can barely cut paper. But I noticed on the ferry from Japan to Korea last week that nothing was being confiscated from anyone at all, but Japan customs did have some ominous-looking curtained off area I was hoping they wouldn't make me step into.....

BoReGo said...

FYI: Your post errupted into a lengthy debate on the hazards of smoking pot and as dad and I are accustomed to doing, we atleast agreed on one point in order to save time - that both of us don't want it decriminalized. He is a little miffed at being associated with Abramoff (shudder) and reminded me, again at length that he opposed it. See what you've done? Leave me out of your posts when talking politics man:) I'd rather talk trash about stuff like middle road getting my last name wrong! And, Deece causing me great anxiety about WWII, allowing Steve and Miwa to yet again beat me to the guess!

Jeffrey C. Turbitt said...

I wasn't associating him in particular with it. Where did this debate break out, at PSS, or with dad. Tell him, he's still cool, I'll vote for him, I just couldn't not weigh in because we're friends and all.

BoReGo said...

There's nothing in the friend manual that says we can't have different opinions. I am just as opinionated and vocal as anyone else, something my father taught me to be, and he expects me to be frank, um I mean, myself. I am with him on this one. Glen: Relax. Have some spinach (www.sommysmommy.blogspot.com):) smile y'all

Jeffrey C. Turbitt said...

So what were you arguing about if you are on the same side?

BoReGo said...

Wait, we don't agree. I think marijuana is way more harmful than Spam.

Melissa said...

Old Spice=Al Qaeda! HA! You kill me, Jeff.

As for the other stuff, I have to remain silent on the issue... at least online. Ask me what I htink in person, and I'll be happy to tell you.

Anonymous said...

That Boni, she's such a prude!

bradinthesand said...

"Everyone knows marijuana is far less harmful than Marlboros, yet the global hypocrisy continues on that one."

Um, no.

Get all of your hippie website info and I'll surf the web for all of the anti-inhalation sites and we'll talk. Pot isn’t good and makes you smell funny—just ask that haole dude walking the streets in his one set of clothes and dreads. Not the way to go. Last thing we need, I think.

I hear smoking pot causes hair loss...

“…but it looks good on you though.”
Rodney Dangerfield

Jeffrey C. Turbitt said...

Those cigs you were bumming will kill you a lot faster than a J and are more addictive, which isn't to say that either are a good idea. I'm not advocating use, I'm advocating free choice and not the capricious blackballing of one vice over another.

Jeffrey C. Turbitt said...

Here is a UCLA study saying exactly what I said. A UCLA pulmonologist isn't exactly Tommy Chong.

http://www.drugpolicy.org/news/052506cancer.cfm