Tuesday, November 06, 2007

New Rules for the CNMI, MV 10

By Jeffrey C. Turbitt

Each Friday comedian Bill Maher offers a segment called New Rules on his brilliant show Real Time. I offer my own CNMI version of New Rules.

New Rule. Instead of seats, Wallace Theaters must put igloos into their Arctic like movie theaters. The power rates are at an all time high, yet for unexplained reasons, the A/C is cranked so high people need to bundle up as if prepping to watch the Alaskan Iditarod. People go to the movies for whatever unimaginative sequel Hollywood has pumped out this week, not to feel like they’re on an expedition to the Arctic Circle . I shouldn't feel like I'm on the March of the Penguins just because I'm watching the March of the Penguins.

New Rule. Elections have to be about something other than signs and waving. With all these signs, the CNMI wastes more “good wood” than a night club in the Middle East . To get a vote, you should have to prove you have an original thought on the issues. A picture of you dressed in island regalia accomplishes nothing, which is usually symbolic of most candidates’ stance on the issues. If island regalia is all that is needed to be elected, I can just vote for the folks from the hotel dinner shows.

New Rule. Online businesses must stop acting like the CNMI doesn't exist. These islands aren't philosophy classes, so we shouldn’t have to prove we exist. I have the sunburn to prove it. I've often tried to order something online, and when it comes time to order, a list of countries pops up, and while something called New Caldonia makes the cut, the CNMI is often harder to find than Osama Bin Laden.

New Rule. Betelnut chewers must stop opening their car doors while driving 30 miles an hour and dangling them at passing traffic like a matador tweaking a bull. There are inevitable pauses in driving called traffic lights and stop signs. Those stops are the places to put those two fingers together and shoot that frozen rope of reddish brown spit at a passing car with the laser guided precision of a smart bomb.

New Rule. The Saipan Municipal Councilmen must change their title from Councilman Tudela, Camacho or Atalig to Appendix Tudela, Camacho or Atalig. There were three candidates running for three useless positions – perhaps because everyone else had a sense of shame and wouldn’t run for an office like this. I refused to vote for this office in this election as the municipal council seems about as necessary as a civil defense system against spaghetti monsters.

New Rule Redux. White people in Saipan can't say Hafa Adai, Si Yu'us Ma'ase or wear a mwar. There are some things that just don't go together. Karl Rove and rap, dogs and walking on their two hind legs and the CNMI government and competence. When pasty white folks in Saipan say Hafa Adai while wearing a mwar, you're not doing as the Romans, you're trying too hard -- straining like you're having a stubborn bowel movement. You're white and in Saipan , hit the golf course, have a beer at Hamilton 's or bitch about the government at Bobby Cadillacs. Leave the indigenous culture to the people who really understand indigenous culture -- the Chamorro and Carolinian teenagers in ski hats, baggy jeans and the Tupac Shakur shirts.


The Saipan Blogger アンジェロ・ビラゴメズ said...

I disagree with you on the Hafa Adai and the Si Yu'us Ma'ase thing. I wish everyone would start saying it. I've got about 30 good reasons vs your "It's not cool" argument.

They'll appear in a post one of these days.

I'm not sold on the Mwar idea. I feel like kind of a dork wearing one, which I've done only once.

Local men and women wear flowers in their hair. I've seen lots of non local women wearing flowers, not necessarily mwars, so why not the guys? Personally, its not my thing, but if a 250 lb CUC guy can have flowers in his hair, why shouldn't you?

Oh yeah, no hair.

It's good to be back.


Pettite didn't resign, if you haven't heard yet. I'm praying that the Sox don't talk to ARod.

Jeff said...

Not exactly on Pettite. He didn't exercise his option, but said if he plays, it will be with the Yankees. The real question is why are Red Sox fans still obsessed with the yankees. Why not just enjoy their recent success.

The Saipan Blogger アンジェロ・ビラゴメズ said...

Don't be such a sissy. After watching you bastards beat up on us for almost 100 years, the least you could do is allow us to have a little fun.

It is only a matter of time before the Yankees get their act together.

James said...

I think that the rule on the Hafa Adai topic should be that only white people who have lived in the CNMI for 5 years or longer and vote in the CNMI are allowed. Living in any locality for a long enough time to lay down roots and build relationships give leeway to adoption of culture. Although if they have lived her for long enough they should have a tan (or maybe a permanent sunburn). As for Flowers in the hair... Gay... I lived in San Francisco for 18 years and maybe it is my homophobia but still... Gay. Women go for it. Guys you make your own choices.

bradinthesand said...

re: your gay comment, takes one to know one.

ha ha. i'm cool with the flowers and the mwar, and one day i'll feel special when i get one.

special and not gay. not that there's anything wrong with that.

Rick Jones said...

What's the fun in rooting for a team if you can't rub it in to your hated rivals? Yankee fans have not been known to be particularly good winners, in my experience.

These things are cyclical, enjoy it while you can, because it will be your turn in the barrel soon enough.

Jeff said...

To put these things in perspective, in 1986 Yankee fans rooted hard for the Red Sox to beat the Mets. The yankees were perennial second place team through most of the 80s and got worse until 95. Then the yankees got really good, won four series and six pennants. When the Pats beat the Rams in 2000 or whenever it was, the fans celebrated the Superbowl victory with a Yankees suck chant. Yankee fans didn't give a damn about the Red Sox. It was Boston who started this up after the Yankees dominated.

After next year the Yankees have a lot of dead weight off the books: Farnsworth, Giambi, Mussina, Abreau, Clemens and Arod this year(post season dead weight).

They have three young pitchers who look damn good, and a fourth, the one they got for Sheffield, who throws 100 mph but was hurt last year.

I think it was Torre's time to go as well. I'm more optimistic about the yankees than usual.

The Saipan Blogger アンジェロ・ビラゴメズ said...

I've been to Devil Rays vs Red Sox games in St. Pete where they chant Yankees Suck.

The Championship count in the 20th Century was 26-5, advantage Yankees.

In the 21st Century it is 2-0, advantage Red Sox.

...so want to guess when the Red Sox payroll with exceed that of the Yankees?

5 years? 10? Next year?

Bruce A. Bateman said...

Sox payroll won't exceed unless they take Arod at something like his Yankees salary, plus a couple more highrollers for good measure.

All in all the Yanks win the whole enchilada about 1 time in 4. Not a bad record. Like Richard Petty of NASCAR, no one else even comes close.

SteeleOnSaipan said...

Baseball's lame, everyone's 'roided. When the Mitchell report comes out, will be the darkest day in the sport's history and beach volleyball will rise up to deservedly take its place among the nation's elite sports.......

bigsoxfan said...

Because the Yankee's suck and always will. Have not's vs the haves' I suppose, in a more subjective sense. I'm still amazed we have, accept, and love a Yankee's fan in my family. Ever see the fairly recent "son of Sam" movie with the guy who when confronted with some new york types responds with; "Yankees suck"? and then gets pounded on. Totally wortheless movie but for that scene. And what does this all have to do with your post? Most excellent, by the way. I particulary enjoyed the allusion to a bowel movement vis a via trying to hard. My favorite since your airport experience. Go Sox..

Boni said...

It's a great post, but I still think everyone should say Hafa Adai. The mwar thing is subjective to taste and how big the event is. I think you should be wearing a mwar in your column photo:)

Nahal said...

Jeff... I'd like to contribute a little rule of my own. If you're old enough to be someones grandfather, or father at that, you shouldn't sleep with that person. ZING! Sorry, I had to say it ;p

Boni said...

Ouch. That hit a cord.

bradinthesand said...

nahal, your rule would single handedly wipe out saipan's sex industry. how dare you?

Rick Jones said...

What if you don't sleep with them but just have sex with them? Would that be okay?

This is actually a subject I've had much discussion about. I really have to get my own blog going soon.

Jeff said...

Yeah, Rick, add to the fray. Call it Brad Ruszala plus a dozen years, or the happy life of a white man in Saipan.

bradinthesand said...

..but preface it with 'bingo, bango, bongo...'

Rick Jones said...

I'm not doing it for myself, Jeff, just trying to help the women of Saipan. Please, no applause for my generosity.

Actually, I used to hear a lot of rumors about myself and which women I'd gone out with, etc. I finally took to saying that I wish I was having as much fun as everyone seemed to think I am.