New Rules for the CNMI, MV 10

By Jeffrey C. Turbitt

Each Friday comedian Bill Maher offers a segment called New Rules on his brilliant show Real Time. I offer my own CNMI version of New Rules.


New Rule. Instead of seats, Wallace Theaters must put igloos into their Arctic like movie theaters. The power rates are at an all time high, yet for unexplained reasons, the A/C is cranked so high people need to bundle up as if prepping to watch the Alaskan Iditarod. People go to the movies for whatever unimaginative sequel Hollywood has pumped out this week, not to feel like they’re on an expedition to the Arctic Circle . I shouldn't feel like I'm on the March of the Penguins just because I'm watching the March of the Penguins.

New Rule. Elections have to be about something other than signs and waving. With all these signs, the CNMI wastes more “good wood” than a night club in the Middle East . To get a vote, you should have to prove you have an original thought on the issues. A picture of you dressed in island regalia accomplishes nothing, which is usually symbolic of most candidates’ stance on the issues. If island regalia is all that is needed to be elected, I can just vote for the folks from the hotel dinner shows.

New Rule. Online businesses must stop acting like the CNMI doesn't exist. These islands aren't philosophy classes, so we shouldn’t have to prove we exist. I have the sunburn to prove it. I've often tried to order something online, and when it comes time to order, a list of countries pops up, and while something called New Caldonia makes the cut, the CNMI is often harder to find than Osama Bin Laden.

New Rule. Betelnut chewers must stop opening their car doors while driving 30 miles an hour and dangling them at passing traffic like a matador tweaking a bull. There are inevitable pauses in driving called traffic lights and stop signs. Those stops are the places to put those two fingers together and shoot that frozen rope of reddish brown spit at a passing car with the laser guided precision of a smart bomb.

New Rule. The Saipan Municipal Councilmen must change their title from Councilman Tudela, Camacho or Atalig to Appendix Tudela, Camacho or Atalig. There were three candidates running for three useless positions – perhaps because everyone else had a sense of shame and wouldn’t run for an office like this. I refused to vote for this office in this election as the municipal council seems about as necessary as a civil defense system against spaghetti monsters.

New Rule Redux. White people in Saipan can't say Hafa Adai, Si Yu'us Ma'ase or wear a mwar. There are some things that just don't go together. Karl Rove and rap, dogs and walking on their two hind legs and the CNMI government and competence. When pasty white folks in Saipan say Hafa Adai while wearing a mwar, you're not doing as the Romans, you're trying too hard -- straining like you're having a stubborn bowel movement. You're white and in Saipan , hit the golf course, have a beer at Hamilton 's or bitch about the government at Bobby Cadillacs. Leave the indigenous culture to the people who really understand indigenous culture -- the Chamorro and Carolinian teenagers in ski hats, baggy jeans and the Tupac Shakur shirts.