A glaring omission from my superlatives

This is the only place to get your laundry done in Saipan. In fact, I'd go here even if I had only one slightly dirty sock. What a service they offer! I wish they had this when I lived with my parents.

My own personal Pantheon - people and things hereby inducted

Matt Taibbi - The greatest political columnist alive. He tells things with humor, and cuts straight through the BS. See my review of Spanking the Donkey. This guy's work is what I hoped I'd be doing if I stayed in journalism.

Victor Wooten - His bass chops are absolutely sick. His solo on Dave Matthew's Band #41 Live in Chicago is almost beyond the known limits of the instrument.

John Chatterton - The greatest scuba diver on the planet. Read Shadow Divers to get the full lowdown on this guy, or check him out on the Deep Sea Detectives. He has done it all in the world of diving.

Noam Chomsky - A living Aristotle. The smartest, and most ballsy, person I've ever seen. He simply has more facts and global awareness than anyone I've ever seen.

Mariano Rivera - The greatest relief pitcher who ever lived, and the most dominant New York Yankee I've ever seen. Watching this guy has always been a joy. Apologies to Jim Leyritz, as that homerun off Mark Wohlers was my favorite moment in sports history.

Emmitt Smith - As a Cowboy fan, no one was better on those glory days teams than Emmitt. He is the all time NFL rushing leader, and the best player on the best team I ever saw.

Mitch Hedberg - One of the greatest comedians who ever lived.

Bill Maher - The funniest, most relentless critic of Bush and annoying hyper-religious people.

James Marshall Hendrix - The coolest man who ever walked the Earth.

U2 - All of these guys are incredibly cool, and haven't even lost it over time. Plus, The Edge slightly outdoes Magic, as in Magic Johnson, as the coolest nickname in history. Bad is probably the best song of the eighties. On top of that, Bono does the right thing with his prodigious money, power and influence.

Pierre Franey - One of the great French chefs, and French cooking educators, of all time.

Anthony Bourdain - for his scathing critique of vegetarians, and general humor imbibed food writing. Check out Kitchen Confidential for a great read on being a New York chef.

Alicia Witt - that little redhead from Mr. Holland's Opus grew up to be the hottest chick around.

Redheaded women - The world is awash in blondes, and that is "the standard" most women cling to. I say bollocks -- give me Ginger, though Maryanne wasn't so bad, either. I prefer an average redhead to a hot blonde. Some stellar examples of the genre other than Alicia Witt above: Julianne Moore, Angie Everhart, Lolita Davidovich and Karen Klaver (said with complete and utter respect from one married guy to one sorta married guy, Mark.)

Palau - The whole place. Just about the coolest place you can hang out on the whole planet. Cool people, gorgeous islands and the world's best scuba diving.

The Margarita - I'm one of those people who never understood the popularity of beer. In fact, the love of beer mystifies me in a way similar to people's initial love of George W. Bush (back before the rest of America caught on to this fraud). The limes here make for some fine Margaritas, so with apologies to the Mojito, my second favorite, and white Sangria, let me induct the Margarita into my personal Pantheon.

French Roast Coffee - Marianas Coffee right here in Saipan makes a great French Roast. This is my favorite bean across the board.

Portuguese Cuisine - We hear plenty about Italian and French food, and those things are great, but few things are better than a great Portuguese restaurant. If you find yourself on a layover at Newark Airport, escape that pit and head to one of the many great Portuguese restaurants around.

Best of Saipan/Saipan Superlatives

I'm going to compile my own personal best of, but I'm open to suggestions and debate on this matter.

Best Cafe
Java Joes. I suppose an argument could be made for Coffee Care, but the service is too inconsistent, and I've gone a few times and they had no bean to go. Jave Joes has a good crowd, reasonable prices, good coffee, a wide selection of good desserts -- plus Rick is pretty cool. The Beans has, or moreso had, nice decor, but the coffee bites, and it is hard to be much of a cafe with lame coffee.

Best Dining Experience
I see only two candidates on this one: Cafe Urashima and Giovanni's, and I'll have to go with Giovanni's by a nose. The number one reason for that is a more flexible and bigger menu, and slightly more refined ingredients, as well as better service than Urashima.

Best New Restaurant
Magic Lamp. The chicken kebobs here are extraordinary, very tender and juicy, and this place in general offers stuff unavailable elsewhere. The lunch special is really very good, and they have Shisha pipes available, so pretty cool there.

Best Restaurant with dubious survival prospects

Taste of India. If only these guys would add some Spam Masala to the menu, then perhaps they'd get more business. The chicken curry is really well done here, and the staff is very friendly and welcoming.

Best Cheap Lunch to Go

The Calzones at Shelly's Pizza.

Best Reason to Live in Saipan
An ocean view on a teacher's salary, with apologies to the Japanese bikini girls at Managaha and Microbeach. Honorable mention goes to the ten minute commute to work, the clean air, low taxes, low stress, access to other Asian locales, Oleai walking path and cheap car insurance -- especially after living in NJ.

Best New Business

Marianas Sweet Shrimp over by the Gold's Gym is a great offering. The only problem is they have shrimp only every couple months, and peeling them is no fun, but sauteed in a lot of garlic, butter and some white wine to deglaze the pan -- wow -- especially with the bread from Carmen Safeway.

Best Video Store

Blockbuster has the best deal on time and price -- especially if you join the Rewards Program, but Kevin's Video gets classic stuff that is often unavailable at Blockbuster -- plus new movies are sometimes impossible to get at Blockbuster.

Best Newspaper
Both local papers are a bit lacking on tough questions and follow through, and the Tribune is pretty fair and not as tame as I would expect given the owner, but largely due to Zaldy Dandan's offerings, and the more vibrant letters section, I'll have to go with the Variety.

Best Cheap Date
A bottle of wine near sunset at Mt. Topachao.

Best Moderately Pricey Date
Dinner Cruise on the Jade Lady.

Best Expensive Date
Don't ask me, I'm married and a teacher.

Best Underutilized Location on Saipan
Mandi Spa at Mariana Resort. This place is fabulous. It has a gym, pool, hot tub, sitting pool overlooking the ocean, and a real Balinese decor. On top of that, hardly anyone is there -- hard to believe.

Best Bar
Godfathers. These guys are very liberal with the free shots, so I've gotta hand it to them. On top of that, the staff consists of a few attractive Filipinas. There is a large, and pretty vibrant crowd there fairly regularly, and a number of different bands.

Best Customer Service

The package delivery window guy at the CK Post Office. I half expect him to throw my package at me and say "No Soup for You," but you have to relish the opportunity to feel self conscious about conducting a very simple transaction.

Best Person to Invite to a BBQ

The security guard at Dolphin. This guy is way cool, and way underfed.

Best Supermarket

Joeten Susupe. This is like having the biggest penis in Japan, but of the three trips to three separate grocery stores required for a shopping order, Joeten Susupe gets the most done. The French Bread at Carmen Safeway deserves a plug as well.

Best Medical Facility
FHP. Drs. Tan and Lamar really helped me out, and if you are fortunate enough not to work for the government, this is the place to go.

Best Pediatrician

Dr. Norma Ada -- enough said. Notre Dame graduate -- extremely bright.

Best Surgeon

Dr. Sawer. This man inspires confidence in a major way. Very sharp tack. I just heard he left the island. This is as much a catastrophe as the JAL pullout.

Best Educational Afternoon

The CNMI museum, especially the exhibit on the Castaways of Anatahan, is a really great presentation, as is the War Museum in the park.

Best Elected CNMI Official

With apologies to Cinta Kaipat, I'll have to go with Stanley Torres -- the one best putting up a fight, thinking independently, stirring it up, trying to represent normal people, actually doing his job of legislative oversight, and best I can tell, not whoring himself to the garment factories.

Best (and most dangerous) Historical Site The caves near Bonzai. I went through this once, and it is a workout, and very dangerous, but truly amazing with war artificats still there.

Best Auto Repair Shop

Manny's at ELS Autoshop behind and to the left of the Nauru building. I wrote about this one before.

Best Band
The Big Beats continue to do classic rock with Ripken like consistency, and they tackle stuff that is unexpected, Pink Floyd's The Wall, Rage Against the Machine with Dennis doing his best Zach De la Rocha vocals. They aren't quite the same without Lovely, and her bad dancing, on vocals, but still the best around.

Best Dive Site
There is only the Grotto, despite the inherent dangers of this sucker that should never be forgotten. This one compares favorably with any dive in Palau even.

Best Snorkeling Site


Lau Lau northwest of the dive entry site. This requires a small boat, or a romp through the jungle, but the water is sublime, and you can do a moderate cliff jump. Keep booties on, as it is sharp getting out.

Do the opposite

In a classic episode of the seminal television show Seinfeld, consummate loser George Costanza realizes that all his instincts are wrong and his life such a failure, that doing the opposite of his natural inclination must turn his life around. After implementing the plan, Costanza’s life improves as he goes from being alone, jobless and living with his parents, to being employed by the Yankees with a new girlfriend and a new apartment in Manhattan.

As our island leaders go about dealing with the multitude of well publicized problems such as power, wages, crime and the economy with the effectiveness of a 90 year-old-man in a Las Vegas brothel without his Viagra stash, perhaps they should turn to the wisdom of Costanza and just do the opposite.

Instead of fighting the long overdue wage increase, do the opposite and actually represent the overwhelming majority of people here who want higher wages. Welcome this chance for people to earn a salary that gives them some dignity. Perhaps then, many will be motivated to actually get a job and make something of their life instead of sitting at home on welfare teaching their children by example it is ok to be lazy, have no ambition and rely on government handouts. The idle message these children learn causes countless wasted dollars in our schools with profound academic indifference.

Instead of misdirecting the funds earmarked for the retirement fund, actually do what you are supposed to do, the opposite, and give the fund its money so it can stay solvent. This current system of ripping off the retirement fund amounts to a tax only on government workers because the eunuchs we elected are too afraid to propose an actual tax to pay for this bloated, inefficient government.

Instead of going off-island for another fruitless trip, do the opposite and just stay home. In fact, the government could take the money saved and just burn it to keep the power plant running an extra hour a day. That would probably be more efficient than this current junket to Washington, D.C., or the recent one to Hawaii. And while we are on the topic of the power plant, instead of ignoring it, do the opposite, actually maintain it and perhaps two people can make toast simultaneously without an island-wide blackout. The power plant here is treated worse than “the Gimp” in Pulp Fiction and CUC leadership acts like that is a normal state of affairs we should expect.

Instead of proposing tax breaks and doing the bidding for the vile garment factories, do the opposite and cut out bureaucratic inefficiencies and help new, uplifting, useful businesses like Java Joes, Marianas Sweet Shrimp, Magic Lamp and Shelly’s Pizza. Let all the dumpy businesses on the island like the 800 pawn shops and poker rooms fall back to the depths of Hades from which they sprang. It would also spare me from reading another student journal entry about having no food at home because mom and dad blew their check in the poker room. Beyond that, it would help the overall atmosphere if our poker room to book store ratio improved from 800 to 1, and it might reduce the crime rate as well, which brings me to the next point.

Instead of giving the copper wire thieves one day of jail all suspended, force them for one day to clean up all the betel nut and lime stains on the island – that is if they ever catch these “Napoleons of Crime.” Similarly, if they catch the people stealing from the Japanese at the Last Command Post, instead of one day in jail suspended, let them carry the tanks for the Japanese divers at the Grotto instead of building a monorail.

I could go on, but too much reflection on this government makes me feel like as flatulent as the horse that ate too much Beef-a-Rino in the Marble Rye episode. If our local elected leaders just do the opposite of all their natural instincts this can be the summer of George, and summer never ends in Saipan .

Happy with CNMI doctors

Since arriving on island a few years back, I heard negative stories and anecdotes about the state of our health care facilities and the abilities of our physicians here in the CNMI. Those stories left me a bit anxious when I developed a mildly complex health problem a few months back. I would like to share with others that the stories I heard did not match the reality I experienced. The doctors I consulted with have been nothing other than exemplary. I had two brief stays in our local hospital, and the care I received was outstanding. My primary care physicians, Dr. Tan and Dr. Lamar at FHP, have been extremely diligent, patient, thorough and effective. I also met Dr. Ada, and she was as impressive as her reputation. In meeting with Dr. George and Dr. Sawer at CHC, I could not have been more impressed with their knowledge and competence. I grew up in the New Jersey area, which is a fairly rich state with renowned and well compensated doctors from the top universities, but my experiences with the five doctors mentioned here left me more satisfied than my experiences with those renowned east coast physicians. In fact, just being around these doctors, who are so educated, dedicated and knowledgeable, was an inspiration. CHC certainly needs a radiologist, and other specialists, as well as infrastructure investment, but the doctors here, like the teachers, should be commended for getting results with the limited resources allotted. I thank all of you at CHC and FHP.

Financial musical chairs

Like many of the "mainlanders" living here on island, I came here, and stay here, for the warm weather, relaxed pace, beautiful sunsets, quality scuba diving and access to other interesting places Asia has to offer. It would be nice to make a real commitment here and perhaps buy a new car or a more permanent home. However, it is very hard to contemplate such a thing when I read the newspapers each day and find out more and more about the absolute staggering financial incompetence being constantly rained down by this government.

The latest ineptitude is the mass retirements taking place in the next week as government employees take advantage of a lump sum cash out equivalent to 30 percent of their salary. I know of people well below age 40 retiring as teachers and other like jobs through this offer. From what I can see, these people aren't NFL running backs worn out at such an early age, so I really have to wonder who in the heck were the government officials who looked at the oceans of government debt and decided adding $1 million of needless red ink in a double dipping retirement scam was a good idea when teachers, and other workers, never get raises, class sizes are way too large, per pupil spending is ridiculously low, NMC needs a new campus, and some big hotel like World Resort needs another big tax break. Tongue firmly in cheek on that last one.

I don't begrudge any worker taking advantage of this offer, they’d be a fool not to, but I am rather miffed that idiotic things like this happen regularly. Because of nonsense like this, it is only a matter of time before my teacher's salary, which unacceptably never rises, stops coming, and the $2000 a year that gets involuntarily diverted from my checks to the retirement system, but never makes it there, disappears completely, which means the longer you stay here, the more you get screwed. There is also the little insult that my wife has been waiting nine months to get her tax refund back, and all calls, faxes and emails are fruitless. I’m sure there are plenty others waiting longer for more money. I've never heard of a government that works in such a fly by night manner. Government is supposed to make sure the system is fair and honest, not to be the flimsy, dishonest agency themselves.

This whole place feels like a game of financial musical chairs, and it is going to be very hard to keep talented medical, legal, and teaching professionals, among others, here for the long term if things do not move toward the direction of competence.

Dr. Dull

I tend to avoid the boring daily diatribes of Delano, California's premier blowhard, Dr. Jesus Camacho, but I, like a lot of readers judging by the responses of late in the letters section, have about had it with the enormous wasted space the Tribune offers this clown, who has never even been on island and lives thousands of miles away. I hope the Tribune will develop enough of an environmental conscience to give a more honorable death to the full on forest of trees that have already died in vain for Dr. Dull's daily rants. This is not to question his free speech rights. I’m a first amendment absolutist and he certainly has the right to say what he wants, or even to meet with all his interested readers in any telephone booth he chooses.

I've read enough of Dr. Dull to get the impression that he knows everything, or at least thinks he knows everything. As someone with a journalism degree, I also know that some unscrupulous types use letters to the editor for propaganda or to advance a political agenda under a phony name. One must then wonder why someone thousands of miles away would opine daily on a place they have never visited, let alone lived. The reason I recall reading from Dr. Dull is because of his "Chamorro blood," which he previously suggested gives him more stake and credibility on this island than people, meaning foreigners such as mainland Americans and others, working in the schools, or patrolling the streets for DPS or doing other things. I have an Irish background, but I've never been to Ireland and would certainly not have the audacity to pick a random Irish city and start telling them how to run things because I'm part Irish. I also wouldn’t tell some immigrant or expat living in Ireland I was more true to Ireland because I happen to be part Irish and eat an occasional potato while listening to U2!

From the little else I've read of Dr. Dull, I recall his bitterness at not being chosen president of NMC since he is a PHD for God’s sake, and it isn’t like there aren’t thousands of professors with PHDs out there writing papers more boring than even Camacho could pull off. Apparently NMC had the "crazy" idea of choosing a president who wouldn't have to find NMC with a compass and a tourist map pilfered from a Japanese tourist hanging out at DFS like Dr. Dull would have. NMC chose someone who has actually been to NMC and knows a thing or two about students here. Enough said there.

The second issue Dr. Dull is prone to rant about is the man leading this island, Governor Juan Babauta. I'm not going to sit here and say that government is Saipan's strongest point, that would be the sunsets, diving the Grotto and the bikini girls on Microbeach, but I would hardly blame all the island’s problems on the governor. There are two other branches of government the governor must contend with in a place where politics is a practical blood sport. There is also a long tradition in Saipan of less than sound decision making that has left this government with a debt and infrastructure problem that would make Jefferson, Lincoln or Roosevelt look bad. In short, not all of Saipan’s “long-in-the-making” problems are the governor's fault. But to hear Camacho tell it, Babauta is more evil than an island wide spam-and-betelnut naval embargo.

Looking at some of the governor's financial priorities, notably cutting down on the poker rooms and increasing educational funding, I feel they certainly agree with logic, long range planning, and my own priorities as a teacher and resident here. Those two things should also be a priority to anyone who cares about the future of the island. The common criticism I've read is that those goals are somehow unrealistic, that the governor lacks the political muscle to get those priorities enacted. Ultimately, the people here can remove those legislators providing the obstacles, and if they want the schools operating with outdated funding and with gambling addiction on every corner, they can vote for anti school/pro gambling legislators and deal with the consequences. That’s the nature of democracy, the masses of people aren’t always wise, “the people” sometimes do incredibly dumb things like endorsing the idea that a black man was 3/5 a person or vote for someone like George W. Bush -- just to give two examples of why Plato preferred the philosopher king to democracy.

When we had two typhoons and when Anatahan erupted, the governor was out there helping people, leading and contributing to this island. Seeing him on television and in person during that time, I felt confident that he was an intelligent, hard-working man making wise decisions I could trust. What has Dr. Dull ever done for this island other than insult and annoy actual residents of the CNMI and brag about his PHD?

Another Saipan Bozo - the Sweatshop Lobbyist

I must say I agree with Richard Pierce’s assessment of the Marianas Variety, which is definitely losing credibility -- especially among the rich and powerful, the elected and connected, and those whose opinions are for hire. These days I seldom trust newspapers. I only believe reliable truth tellers like politicians, corporate CEOs, public relations professionals, people selling things on late night television and those hundreds of people who email me every day about a new mortgage or all those college aged vixens eager to meet me. This paper has never noted that each garment factory voluntarily includes complimentary drinking water and all the light each worker can use. This paper constantly wants to criticize the garment factories for very old problems, and it never publishes the good news about the garment factories, such as the fact that they are looking out for their workers. Most people probably do not know that the airlines only allow fifty pounds of luggage without penalty, so when several factories closed back before the internet, ipods and color TV in 2005, the factory owners didn’t burden their workers with the money they were owed. Garment workers routinely use heavy paper currency, so by the owners going back to Korea or elsewhere without paying workers, that worker was in no danger of going over the luggage weight limit when they went back to China. Did this paper ever note this thoughtfulness? This paper constantly uses an out of date Interior Department study that indicates the factories cost the local government more than it provides in tax revenue. It seldom mentions the more respected report that notes: “If the garment industry leaves the CNMI for whatever reason in the next few years, it could take with it one-half the jobs in the CNMI including one-third of jobs of permanent residents.” What will all you communist, pro-Bin Laden, cut and run, child molester, atheist, liberal media types say if all those permanent residents lose their $3.05 per hour jobs and can no longer put noodle on their plate or buy grease for their bicycle chain. This paper should realize that the garment factories are broke. Do you know how much it has cost the garment factory owners to buy almost the entire government of a place with as many politicians as the CNMI?
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I was having a drink the other night when one of my “liberal” friends started to argue with me about my support for Richard Pierce, the garment industry and all things Republican. This flaming lefty was trying to say things like, “Don’t you think a guy like Pierce has a hard time looking at himself in the mirror after dedicating his life to keeping rich people rich and poor people poor.” I was like, hold on, you are worse than those people at the Variety. Do you know anything about business? Do you still play golf? Pierce is conducting business the way business is supposed to be conducted -- just like he explained in the Variety the other day. I told him that when the CNMI government took tax money from people making $3.05 per hour to hire lobbyists like Jack Abramoff to make sure these same people never make more than $3.05, that this is how it works in the real world. Do you expect private industry to pay lobbyists out of their own pocket to rig the system – a system that is totally on the level? I even provided a hypothetical on how honest the system is: Do you think a big oil company CEO could become vice president of the United States with less votes than the other guy, help start an unprovoked war against an oil rich country by saying that country had nuclear weapons and might cause Armageddon, all so energy companies could see record profits as gas went to nearly $4 per gallon and power rates doubled? That would never happen I told him. My socialist friend, in his best Swedish accent, tried to argue that the money spent on garment lobbyists should have gone to PSS for more books and more teachers. I corrected him and reminded him that all PSS needed was prayer in the schools and a prominently posted copy of the Ten Commandments, not money. This persistent, liberal, troublemaker then said it was ridiculous for a garment industry mouthpiece like Pierce to be the adviser to the governor on things like the controversial $3.05 minimum wage. This is when I really got upset and told him that unless the governor could get George Bush to give up the presidency to become the chief adviser on grammar and Greek philosophy, I could not imagine a person being more qualified and appropriate for a job than Pierce is on wages. I then dutifully explained that the real problem in the CNMI isn’t the number of people working for $3.05 per hour, but all the homosexuality here and in the world. If all those gay people succeed in converting the straight people to the gay agenda, what will happen to the CNMI strip clubs? The newfound disinterest in boobs, legs and butts would rival the JAL pullout and the WTO tariff rule changes as economic death knells for the CNMI. I started to think more of the economic crisis this island is in, and I came up with a solution. We should hire Pierce to convince the rest of the island to go along with this idea I heard of setting the maximum wage at $3.05 for everyone – except the elected or the immediate relatives of an elected person. A similar exception should go to garment factory owners and their relatives. A $3.05 maximum wage is how we can save this island, and naturally there should be a 10 percent cut from $3.05. The whole three meals a day thing is outmoded pre-9/11 thinking.

Focusing on nonsense

Given all the problems this island faces regarding increasing crime, overcrowded schools, unreliable and exorbitantly priced power, horrific, stagnant wages and the absurd and otherwise disturbing fact that a discount shoe retailer in the island’s shopping district can’t stay open, to see such an outcry over some children playing dress up is a sad misdirection of sensible focus and priorities.

If you are a parent of a student, the thing you should be most concerned about is the fact that the PSS budget just got slashed probably by at least $6 million dollars. Of course, this was done politically, so you have to read between the lines to see what actually happened. The PSS budget was technically increased $1.4 million, but PSS now has to pay for power, which was $4.7 million last year before the vast majority of the massive power rate increase took effect. My own power bill has tripled, at least this month, so even conservatively, it is fair to expect PSS’ bill to come close to doubling, so figure on a bill this year somewhere in the ballpark of $8 million. That figure can be arrived at by simply subtracting an $8 million increase via a new power bill PSS didn’t pay before from the 1.2 million increase in its budget. This new power bill should leave PSS almost $7 million worse off -- conservatively. PSS already operates on an outdated shoestring budget that hardly provides, if at all, for books, athletics, custodians, substitute teachers, a fair and reasonable salary for principals and vice principals, paraprofessionals and even the commisioner, all now impacted by the ten percent cut -- among other things.

None of this even considers the fact there are more students transferring to the public schools, and probably even more to follow, as the power situation and poor economy puts the squeeze on parents’ ability to pay for private schooling. Students are crammed like sardines into classrooms with a staff full of disgruntled teachers since many just took a pay cut, and now these teachers have even more students and probably less preparation time. This is the huge problem facing PSS and the island, not a couple of kids playing dress up.