Stage spillover- Hollywood kisses its own ass

Every year Hollywood blows itself with the self congratulatory Academy Awards show. They give statues to some pretty boy for being the “best actor.” The King’s Speech was the last big winner. A guy acted like a pampered royal whose big accomplishment was reading a prepared speech into a radio microphone without stammering. Whoa - what a stretch! I say if you want to honor someone playing a role, give it to a waiter on the fifteenth hour of his Waffle House shift. Acting like he gives a shit how your day was and if your eggs were cooked properly is a real performance. Give that tortured bastard a statue for the acceptance speech alone. “I’d like to thank everyone who made this possible. First thank you Fox News for convincing my fellow broke people that unions are a horrible anti-American plot pushing evil things like a living wage and a medical plan. I’d like to thank that condom for breaking in 1999 leaving me with teenagers needing braces. I’d like to thank my buddy Joe for convincing me to drop out of high school and work on the band full time. And finally thank you to that payday loan company on Van Buren. Without your support I would have blown it by throwing the coffee pot at that witch who finger snapped at me. 

Iphone video not too shabby

I took this with the iphone 4 at Rush's Time Machine show in June. Quite impressed with the results.

Latest dates

Current comedy schedule through August.

Hidden House July 27 Central Phoenix
Manuel's Cantina July 28 North Phoenix
The Comedy Spot July 31 Scottsdale
Monkey Pants Comedy, August 11
Hidden House Comedy, August 18
The Comedy Spot August 28 Scottsdale
Hidden House Comedy, September 1 Central Phoenix

Almost nothing can't be messed up with Arizona education

The state introduced a new writing test this spring, changed the way it was graded and raised the passing score. Officials hoped the changes would stabilize passing rates, which have fluctuated wildly among grades and over the past five years. The passing rates fell steeply. A little more than 50 percent of fifth-, sixth- and seventh-graders passed the exam, down from about 75 percent last year. Sophomores did better. This year, 68 percent passed, down by only 5 percentage points from last year.The former writing exam was an essay in response to one question. The new writing exam is one essay and 27 multiple-choice questions. The essay counts for 60 percent of the writing test and the multiple-choice questions, 40 percent. Because of the test changes, "this dip in writing scores was expected," said Roberta Alley, the state testing chief.

Dear Miss Alley,

As someone who spent an enormous amount of time and effort teaching writing this past year, I can't even begin to tell you how disappointed I am in how the state went about assessing writing this year. I do not believe the scores to be even close to reflecting real proficiency, especially as compared to other subjects. They do not even seem to represent a normal curve and paint an unusually harsh picture that makes it impossible to see year to year growth. A 25 percent drop in those passing basically means the test either then or now is wildly inaccurate. I would say now. On top of that, the multiple choice questions make as much sense as judging a cook by his or her ability to chop vegetables. How about we again give full weight to what really matters: the final meal? The holistic scoring gives the parent and teacher less data on strengths and weaknesses of the student, and is a clear indicator of where this is all headed given Arizona's meager support for education: A full on multiple choice test that's cheaper, less accurate and will only serve to further demoralize teachers in this state who get treated poorly enough as it is. I hope you'll be on the right side when that happens.

                                                            Regards,

                                                            Jeffrey C. Turbitt

The Gold Standard

Want to keep this clip readily available to remind myself that the perfect six minute set does exist.

So much for good times at Smiling Cove Marina

ACTING Gov. Eloy S. Inos yesterday signed into law two local bills, one of which prohibits the hanging of clothes especially underwear in areas visible to passersby. House Local Bill 17-40 has been dubbed as the “panties bill” because its author Rep. Joseph M. Palacios said he introduced it after seeing underwear hanging on a balcony in the Garapan tourist district. Palacios, R-Saipan, said he saw how tourists shook their heads in disgust upon seeing the panties. This, he said, will surely chase away tourists.

In separate news, it is now a crime to have a sail on a local sailboat!

The Cars are back. I'm glad, but...

When I heard The Cars were returning after a near 25 year hiatus, I was pretty pumped. They were my first musical love. I'm conveniently ignoring that Billy Joel's Glass Houses was the first album I ever bought. The more experimental Cars songs, and there are a lot of them such as this one, still rank, to me at least, as some of the greatest songs of all time. Their latest album Move Like This is shockingly good for a band so far removed from their prime and so rusty. The album really feels like the next logical Cars album if they didn't sadly piss away all those good years for no particularly good reason -- especially in a world where Journey and Yes literally took people from tribute bands and made them their new lead singer. I've watched several clips of the mini-tour The Cars did, and there are some stellar moments. Elliot Easton's solo on You're All I've Got Tonight is just phenomenal. But man does this band miss the late Ben Orr. No one in this band can sing back up if their life was on the line. Overall, the playing is really sloppy. I wish they had just rehearsed more. They were never a stellar live act, and this hardly negatively impacts their legacy, but please prepare a bit more. There is a small cadre out there who really appreciates their artistry and want to see it as good as it can be.

Remaining July Comedy Dates

Shout House, July 12 Glendale
Monkey Pants and Hidden House July 14 (Two this night in that order.)
Hidden House July 27
Manuel's Cantina July 28 North Phoenix
The Comedy Spot July 31 Scottsdale
The Comedy Spot August 28 Scottsdale

Couple of new bits I tried out

Here are a couple of new bits I tried out the other night. You have to show up to a show if you want to see more.

Stage Spillover - Don't side with the douchebags

I inject myself with a thousand dollars worth of drugs every two weeks. It’s not a newly formed heroin habit, I have Chrohn’s Disease, and that’s the minimally effective medication I’m on. Everybody has something wrong with them. Diabetes, hypertension, shriveled up raisin testicles. Those of you who don’t currently qualify, can join this shitty party at any moment. Look around any crowd in this McCulture of ours. If our bodies were a car lot, this wouldn’t be the 2012 new car auto mall, it’s some Craig’s List auction of late 70s Pintos. Except for Tempe, damn there are some fine looking women there. If I were single. Who am I kidding, I’d be afraid to talk to you. Funny and educated always loses to short, fat, bald and broke. But I digress. I point this out because I really want to know, which of you broke SOBs was out there protesting health care reform? I had a one day hospital bill last fall of $10,000. There is probably a maximum of two people in this whole crowd who couldn’t be shit canned tomorrow on the whim of some dickhead and have no health coverage. Try going to the doctor then. You’ll get as much attention as the guy in the strip club tossing nickels around.

I know what you are thinking. These issues are complicated, I have a busy life and the media is no road map. I'm here to help. I’ve got a simple solution for establishing a world view and it's foolproof. On any complicated issue, look where the douche bags line up and just be on the other side. Gay Marriage. On one side you have judgmental busybodies, closet case politicans exploiting rednecks and preachers looking for attention. On the other side you have a group whose only major flaw is elevating Cher, Liza Minelli  and showtunes above their cultural import. Pretty simple call. Another one: Global Warming: Science says it’s happening. Oil companies and Fox News says it isn’t. You don’t even need to turn off the X-Box to know where to side on that one. If you were teammates with the HMOs during that debate, you basically offered brass-nuckles to someone who keeps punching you in the face. Wisen up pinwheel! And if it was your stupid relative opposing it, throw an M-80 dangerously close to him at the Fourth of July picnic. Che Guevera got started that way.