Roman Religion

The Ancient Romans fascinate me. They had a God for every activity that they had to bargain with to gain favor. A wealthy merchant going on a sea voyage would first visit the Temple of Neptune, sacrifice a bull and bathe in its blood. Now you can believe what you will and think what you want about these ancient religious practices, but I think we can all agree on one thing: Religion being ridiculous bullshit is no recent phenomena.

Partying with the Nuge

I'm a Chomsky reading, secular humanist, long time liberal, but I have to admit, if I had invites to parties at both Ted Nugent's house and some NPR listening ethnic studies professor, I'm totally hanging out with the Nuge. He wins in every area. Conversation. I can have tedious discussions about my carbon footprint and genocide in Darfur, or I can talk NFL football with crazy, drunk people. Booze. I can pretend to taste the difference in those two different Beaujolais vintages, or I can slug Jim Beam straight from the bottle without looking out of place. Food, I can throw down on some grilled tofu with an organic parsley salad or I can have a steak grilled medium rare that Ted killed that morning. Music, I can kick it with a glockenspiel concerto or the eight minute Stranglehold guitar solo that includes an onstage animal sacrifice. Overall vibe. I’ve never been to a decent party where the statement, “Check out the tits on the blond,” is considered controversial. Finally, if Nugent's party sags, you know he'll just blow some shit up. Anyone ever seen a boring fire?

Stage spillover- Hollywood kisses its own ass

Every year Hollywood blows itself with the self congratulatory Academy Awards show. They give statues to some pretty boy for being the “best actor.” The King’s Speech was the last big winner. A guy acted like a pampered royal whose big accomplishment was reading a prepared speech into a radio microphone without stammering. Whoa - what a stretch! I say if you want to honor someone playing a role, give it to a waiter on the fifteenth hour of his Waffle House shift. Acting like he gives a shit how your day was and if your eggs were cooked properly is a real performance. Give that tortured bastard a statue for the acceptance speech alone. “I’d like to thank everyone who made this possible. First thank you Fox News for convincing my fellow broke people that unions are a horrible anti-American plot pushing evil things like a living wage and a medical plan. I’d like to thank that condom for breaking in 1999 leaving me with teenagers needing braces. I’d like to thank my buddy Joe for convincing me to drop out of high school and work on the band full time. And finally thank you to that payday loan company on Van Buren. Without your support I would have blown it by throwing the coffee pot at that witch who finger snapped at me. 

Stage Spillover - Don't side with the douchebags

I inject myself with a thousand dollars worth of drugs every two weeks. It’s not a newly formed heroin habit, I have Chrohn’s Disease, and that’s the minimally effective medication I’m on. Everybody has something wrong with them. Diabetes, hypertension, shriveled up raisin testicles. Those of you who don’t currently qualify, can join this shitty party at any moment. Look around any crowd in this McCulture of ours. If our bodies were a car lot, this wouldn’t be the 2012 new car auto mall, it’s some Craig’s List auction of late 70s Pintos. Except for Tempe, damn there are some fine looking women there. If I were single. Who am I kidding, I’d be afraid to talk to you. Funny and educated always loses to short, fat, bald and broke. But I digress. I point this out because I really want to know, which of you broke SOBs was out there protesting health care reform? I had a one day hospital bill last fall of $10,000. There is probably a maximum of two people in this whole crowd who couldn’t be shit canned tomorrow on the whim of some dickhead and have no health coverage. Try going to the doctor then. You’ll get as much attention as the guy in the strip club tossing nickels around.

I know what you are thinking. These issues are complicated, I have a busy life and the media is no road map. I'm here to help. I’ve got a simple solution for establishing a world view and it's foolproof. On any complicated issue, look where the douche bags line up and just be on the other side. Gay Marriage. On one side you have judgmental busybodies, closet case politicans exploiting rednecks and preachers looking for attention. On the other side you have a group whose only major flaw is elevating Cher, Liza Minelli  and showtunes above their cultural import. Pretty simple call. Another one: Global Warming: Science says it’s happening. Oil companies and Fox News says it isn’t. You don’t even need to turn off the X-Box to know where to side on that one. If you were teammates with the HMOs during that debate, you basically offered brass-nuckles to someone who keeps punching you in the face. Wisen up pinwheel! And if it was your stupid relative opposing it, throw an M-80 dangerously close to him at the Fourth of July picnic. Che Guevera got started that way.